South Coast's real-deal food highlights - from Albion Park to Wallagoot

This is the real-deal roadmap for the tastebuds - we're keeping it local, simple and as inexpensive as possible. Apologies to the fine diners, upmarket brasseries and chefs who plate up using tweezers - there are other lists to display your brilliance.

If you can't take the kids there, if there's a serious dress code - or if they only sell oysters single, for $5-6 each - a place won't be on this list.

Luckily all my favourite places remain. So let's dress down, hit the road hungry and head south.

Joe's Milkbar

Shop 11, Albion Park Shopping Village

The Albion Park bypass speeds up the trip south - but what about the takeaway stops for a hungry family you miss at Albion Park Rail? Can we wait til Nowra?

Here's the good news: Some of the absolute, stonking, very best hamburgers in the Illawarra are just a quick detour away in the Albion Park shopping village. Duck off the bypass, sort out the family feed at Joe's Milkbar, then jump straight back on the freeway and be on your way, hangry rebellion subdued and no-one mentioning that burger place with the clown.

Joe's is run by a young and friendly crew who know their burgers. Smashed, browned and crispy on the edges, the patties can be stacked to your liking among the different burger styles. There's also chicken, schnitzels and haloumi, as well as a creation where a schnitzel-looking-thing is used as a bun, wrapped around bacon and pineapple. It's part of a "secret menu" on the website, which is a funny way to keep a secret.

Just watch out for the appalling planning that's resulted in some of the worst car park access you'll find. Use Russell St or Tongarra Rd to get in, Terry St out.

The Blue Swimmer

19 Riverleigh Ave, Gerroa

The only finer diner to make this list demands a mention for its local approach, welcoming attitude and brilliant food. Just back from where the creek meets the north end of Seven Mile Beach, the Blue Swimmer is a local restaurant where expert cheffing meets feelgood food.

They don't do fish'n'chips but there certainly is fish, and there are chips. And yes, blue swimmer crab is on the menu, praise be.

Gerroa Fishermens Club

68 Crooked River Rd, Gerroa

Come for the stunning view, stay for the great seafood selection at the Seahorse Oceanview bistro. Not many places do a seafood platter for one - this place offers two of them, at decent prices.

There's scallops on the half shell, plates of prawns, surf and turf, as well as oysters by the dozen or half. And did I mention the view?

Nowra Fresh Fish and Meat Market

2 East St, Nowra

If it's supplies you're after, you need only one stop. Turn left at the first lights after the bridge and hope you have enough room left in the esky, or the car, for what you might pick up.

First we sort out seafood from a super-fresh selection: heaps of prawns in several varieties, crustaceans on ice, fishes whole or filleted. Then move on to the butcher section which includes enough different sausages to keep you interested for a week. Seeking something more obscure? The freezer probably has it.

Then it's next door to the fruit market and deli for good specials on veges, tinned delights and a smallgoods section starring local Greenwell Point cabana and pepperoni. Get more than you think, you'll want it later.

Time for a picnic to break up the journey? There are some lovely spots on the southern side of the Shoalhaven River, a few hundred metres upstream from the bridge. Plug Scenic Drive or Paringa Park into your navigator, whip out the deli goods you just bought, and enjoy the beauty of Nowra. Yes, indeed.

Earnest Arthur

171 Princes Hwy, South Nowra

Alongside a vast hardware shop many times the size of the new housing blocks it serves, lives a pie shop so good that if it wasn't for Hayden's (see below) we may be calling it the region's finest.

Try garlic prawn, massaman beef or excellent vegetarian pies that are more than a menu afterthought for Earnest Arthur. The coffee is just as good at this welcome roadside oasis among the light industry and warehouses of South Nowra.

The pies aren't cheap for their size but the flavours are exceptional, and they hold together well just like a good pie should. Maybe get a second pie just to be on the safe side. On the western side of the highway, perhaps it's one to remember for the trip home.

Jim Wild's Oysters

Lot 2/170 Greens Rd, Greenwell Point

Greenwell Point's fish and chips gets all the press but here's a destination worth driving in to from wherever you're staying. Throw them back freshly shucked on the edge of the Crookhaven River, where the leases are - as long as the shops get their planning approvals sorted out.

East Lynne Store

Princes Hwy, East Lynne

Dressed-up servo on the main highway stands out for its sign which reads "Oysters, famous pies, liquor, coffee - in that order, presumably. Sure, everyone says their pies are famous but this claim rings true. The giant homemade pastries filled with chunky deliciousness deserve all the fame that comes their way.

Oyster Shed on Wray

5 Wray St, North Batemans Bay

If your idea of the ultimate "dining" moment involves a small shack right on the water with simple tables and ultra-fresh seafood, join me at the oyster shed.

A quick skip up the Clyde River on the north side of the bridge, this farm gate-slash-oyster bar offers the Sydney rock and Pacific in various sizes at reasonable prices. The value option is a bag of unopened beauties, and if you're without an oyster knife you can buy one here. But there's nothing like eating seafood while looking at the water it came from, on these unassuming tables in a relaxed atmosphere by the river.

They do other things as well, most notably a curried scallop pie (where are we, Tasmania?). But the oysters are the point.

Meanwhile the southern bank of the river is where the action is, as a line of fish shops turnover orders faster than a ... uh ... fast thing in a race. Innes Boatshed is the pick of the bunch, with outdoor seating and various fresh options along with the fried.

Hayden's Pies

2/166 Princes Hwy, Ulladulla

Nothing says holiday drive like a good old meatbag with sauce. Or without - if you're getting your lunch from this family-run temple to pastry you may not need the sauce. A big claim perhaps but I'll stand on that business. These gravies are (mostly) enough on their own.

If there's a quota of pies one has to eat in order to qualify as an expert, I've et it. So it's not without evidence that I can hereby dub Hayden's the Greatest Of All Time - the GOAT of pies.

Indeed you may come across a goat in the pie, in a curry perhaps, as Hayden has a specials menu featuring varieties that stretch the familiar. A cheeseburger pie, tandoori goat, kangaroo. None of this affects the regular favourites, which are all there.

My GOAT is the salmon and prawn pie, gently cooked seafood with mornay sauce acting as the matchmaker on this hot date. Look out for it on the "pie of the day" board.

If you need sauce it's free, as it should be in a decent world - but only from the pump bottle, encouraging people to skip the single-use plastic packet and apply the dead horse straight onto the pie.

The Fish Shop

107 Princes Hwy, Burrill Lake

This is a great fish shop, and there's not as many as there should be. The use of frozen imported seafood is probably the reason. So when you find a good one, you remember it. This is probably the best the South Coast.

An excellent range of fish is sold fresh or cooked, with the cooked version also fresh, of course, before it is cooked. It's mostly local, with even the patch of coast named

An understated name like this can be a warning sign - does an expensive and faux-humble hipster joint lurk within? Not here. This is real-deal. Prices are plenty fair for the quality and the expertise. These folks know fish.

Grab something from the nearby bottlo, if that's your thing, and find a spot in the park across the marvellous "new" bridge near Dolphin Point. Go quickly, so the batter's still crispy around your flathead.

One tip: the Fish Shop may close earlier than some people expect, so check first before deciding when to go on your dinner run.

Higgins Blueberry Farm

Princes Hwy, Cockwhy

Don't ask me how to pronounce that locality, or why. I've only ever known this as "on the left going uphill before the overtaking lane and the long sweeping right goes downhill a few clicks after the turnoff to Bawley".

If it's superfoods you're after it's hard to do any better than the Australian blueberry. The Higgins operation once maintained a roadside stall but these days travellers can stop in and pick their own in the 6ha orchard. They grow nine varieties of blueberry - who knew? - on 3000 trees, and you get a two litre bucket to fill. Just imagine that baby filled to bursting with blue gorgeousness.

There's accommodation if you want to hang around and get to know the miniature goats. Probably a good idea to keep your berry bucket well away from those rascals.

Bodalla Dairy Shed

52 Princes Hwy, Bodalla

Quite literally, the creme de la creme. Sourced from cows that live right there on the edge of town, the family-run dairy operation can blow the mind of youngsters who have grown up on supermarket milk and franchise "thickshakes".

Happy cows produce the unhomogenised milk for the shakes, and it's also used for cheese, yoghurt and ice-cream, which visitors can watch being made in the "micro-dairy".

This is the kind of milkshake that produces John Travolta reactions - in Pulp Fiction, when Vincent Vega (Travolta) asks Mia (Uma Thurman) for a taste of her expensive milkshake. Travolta's fleshy face, still attached to straw, twists through various flexes to describe the wonder and the surprise, before managing to utter something we can't print here.

It's a far more wholesome scene than that inhabited by Pulp Fiction, but the sheer creaminess of the milkshake can make people speak a bit differently.

Tuross Boatshed and Cafe

93 Trafalgar Rd, Tuross Head

This isn't a list of fine dining establishments or the "best" restaurants as the food critics rate them. This is a list of the places you want to go to, for a nice time, decent prices and good people. And when you're looking for the real deal, the best signal is where the locals go. In Tuross, they go here.

They go for the casual deck with views across the Tuross River, for the friendly environs, and for the quality of the food - breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you don't believe me check the reviews.

Where else could you get a Rueben eggs Benedict - yep, pastrami and sauerkraut along with the hollandaise, which has sriracha in it just to add another continent to the mix. If you're not staying in Tuross, it's only a few minutes off the main road. The hard part here is leaving.

Narooma Bridge Seafoods

Shop 2/36 Princes Hwy, Narooma

Nestled for decades on the north side of the bridge, the best seafood shop in the region was easily missed unless you knew to slow down and turn off left after a sharp blind corner. This, and the location on the very edge of Wagonga Inlet added to its charm, appearing in front of the southbound traveller at the same time as the gorgeous expanse of turquoise water.

It's still called Narooma Bridge Seafoods but it has now moved on to the flat after the bridge, where parking is easier and the seafood remains the same.

Fresh and local is still the name of the game, with kingfish, tuna, snapper, prawns and oysters usually on hand thanks to the work of local fisherman Ben McCulloch and his boat the Talisman.

Salt of the Coast

30 Riverside Dr, Narooma

If you're looking for something off the beaten track, here it is, and it's worth it. Although the "track", a winding affair along the waterfront and its oyster facilities old and new, is becoming beaten as locals and visitors alike make their visits more frequent.

Much has been made of hospitality billionaire Justine Hemmes buying up venues and property in Narooma during his trips from Sydney by seaplane. Hemmes firmly denied claims he viewed the town as a new Noosa-to-be, to the relief of locals who appreciate the attention but love their slice of paradise (bumper sticker motto: How life should be) as it is.

Hemmes's conquests include the Quarterdeck bar/restaurant (for many years too kitsch to be cool but now attempting it), fish and chip shop The Inlet (scores of poor reviews), and fine Chinese at Queen Chow (great reviews, gorgeous views, and a welcome high-end option for Narooma, but at $42 for eight dumplings this is not the list for you, Queen).

Around a few corners from the Quarterdeck though is Salt of the Coast, a local cafe turning things up a notch. The menu is actually seasonal and local, championing local producers and bakers in an area whose reputation for produce will only grow. Importantly, the coffee's first rate - from a roaster just up the road in Moruya.

Tilba Sweet Spot

11 Bate St, Central Tilba

Promise the kids a visit if you need leverage for good holiday behaviour. Then try not to help yourself to "just one" while you're there. See, lolly shops are for kids but here the varieties angled at adults are the standout.

Boiled sweets starring sour flavours, rhubarb and cream, chocolate truffles and crazy fudge flavours, liqueur chocolates, liquorice and obscure gum. And for the kids there's all manner of wild American imported candies, tubes of liquid lolly that they virtually inhale, roll-on syrup like a deodorant that's applied to the tongue. And then go crazy and then crash.

Surrounded by the pastel cottage charm of Central Tilba's main street, it's great for a rainy day visit, or for a few hours away from the salt and sand. And a walk up the back of Tilba toward the mountain, Gulaga, may help burn off the sugar rush.

Bermagui Gelato Clinic

79/73 Lamont St, Bermagui

Ice cream after the fish and chips is always a favourite part of the holiday, and this place is reason enough to go down to the lovely Fisherman's Wharf. Tell you the truth, it's reason enough to go to Bermagui itself - from wherever you are.

The Italian-Australian duo behind the Bermagui Gelati Clinic produce flavours as good as anywhere in the state - perhaps better.. Named for the old dentist where they started out exactly 20 years ago (Happy Birthday!), the title remained the same upon moving to the wharf where it produces queues longer than the chippery a few doors down.

Choosing just two flavours is a terrible task and of the many ways to approach it, here's three. You can go with the seasons and choose a sorbet with something fresh off the tree (cumquat, tangelo, plum, or a strawberry that tastes even more strawberry-y than an actual strawberry picked too soon for the supermarket).

You can follow the traditional creamy flavours along the hazelnut, coffee, pistachio path, and no disappointment will follow. The hazelnut is so good that when the Clinic was without supply a few years ago the town was on edge for a week. Or you can go for the wildest thing you can see - Campari and grapefruit, lemon and basil, they even churned out a baba ghanouj.

Honorbread

8 Bunga St, Bermagui

It wouldn't be a proper list if it didn't include the extraordinary sourdough bakery Honorbread, near the hardware shop on Bunga St. The dedicated crew roll out loaves that may not be cheap but pack plenty of substance. Pastries are tempting too, and if there's better bread than this I'm yet to find it.

Bermagui Fresh Food Emporium

18 Lamont St, Bermagui

"The Bermagui butcher" is how it's known to many but the sign on the front says the Bermagui Fresh Food Emporium. Either way, it's the place you want to be for meat or fish. This isn't a list for vegans. House-made bacon provides the aroma, hams and prawns the festivity. But don't miss the local albacore tuna, smoked and spiced out the back, for a next-level snack - with a biscuit or devoured straight from the pack.

Tathra Oysters

1 Reservoir St, Tathra

There are oysters all along this coast - it's even taken the name Oyster Coast and you can be well served just about anywhere from Greenwell Point to Merimbula. But if you ask me, these are the best. Perhaps the best anywhere.

Use your hand-held cartography machine to find your way to a regular two-storey house on Reservoir St, Tathra, then step out the back. The small Tathra Oysters store is where you can load up on trays of the award-winning bivalves grown in the pristine Nelson Lake, in Mimosa Rocks National Park.

They're not cheap but when you're eating something raw, that's not a bad thing. Life is short, might as well grab an extra dozen. Or take them by the bag, unopened, and shuck them yourself. If you forgot your chain mail gloves, a towel folded a couple of times gives good protection for the hands. At Wallagoot Lake and Turingal Head, a little south of Tathra, there are great picnic spots on the edge of the water for the oysters, perhaps a crisp lager and a special someone. True romance.

Dulcie's Cottage, Merimbula

60 Main St, Merimbula

Hungry for a great burger? At this Merimbula favourite, a weatherboard cottage transformed into a bar, another attraction has taken shape. The burger caravan has become a permanent fixture in Dulcie's beer garden, with locals and visitors alike raving about the burgers - and the chips - often enjoyed with a side of live music.