You can just imagine the tourists getting off the train at Parramatta and scratching their heads.
Subscribe now for unlimited access.
$0/
(min cost $0)
or signup to continue reading
What the hell? Where are the lifesavers in their red and yellow caps? Where are the bronzed sunbathers in their skimpy swimwear? Where are the wine bars and the trendy cafes and restaurants? And what are these Eels?
They'd eventually find things to do in Parra. They could stroll around the mall and maybe eat some good Indian food at Saravanaa Bhavan. But they'd still feel a bit short-changed. This isn't what Sydney is about. Not to visitors, anyway.
Sydney is about trips on the Manly Ferry. It's about climbing the Harbour Bridge. It's about doing the Bondi to Bronte walk on a sunny day. It's about brunch at the Boatshed in Balmoral. It's about fish and chips at Watsons Bay. It's about a glass of wine at Icebergs or a schooner of New at the North Bondi RSL.
Essentially, it's all about the clichés. Those clichés might make the locals cringe and point out the downsides of our "overrated" attractions – as was the case in a recent Fairfax column, in which Gary Linnell recommended tourists would be better off going to Parramatta where the "real" Sydney exists – but it's those attractions that people come here to see.
There's still plenty of cultural cringe among Australians. You see it every time a new Tourism Australia ad is released featuring images of kangaroos and the 12 Apostles and Uluru and Queensland beaches that scream "where the bloody hell are ya?" and everyone winces and complains about how naff it is and how unimaginative. Because to us, it absolutely is.
See also: Why Australia is the land of the idiot
To overseas visitors, however, this is the good stuff. This is what they want. This is what makes Australia different, and interesting.
We might want to steer them towards the café culture of Melbourne, or MONA in Hobart, or the multi-cultural food scene in western Sydney, or the wine regions of South Australia, or the relaxed vibe of the Sunshine Coast hinterland, but those aren't the things that make Australia unique to foreign tourists.
That's Bondi, the white-sand beach that's so close to the city and yet so far from what most people know from home.
Bondi is far from perfect. The public transport access is appalling, the parking is abysmal, the cafes and restaurants sometimes treat customers like they're doing them a favour by allowing them to eat there, and the whole place can seem boringly white-bread at times.
But compare it to other city beaches around the world. Barceloneta in Barcelona is beautiful and incredibly popular, but it's got nothing on Bondi. About the only advantage in Barca is that there are bars set up right on the sand. But still, Bondi's better.
Antibes in France is lovely, but its beaches aren't white sand – they're pebbles. In Paris and Berlin they make fake beaches on the riverside. Venice Beach in LA is cool, but the water is freezing. And a mate of mine in London recently drove two hours to go to the beach in Brighton, and it was hailing when he got there.
Even Rio de Janeiro's Ipanema, one of the world's great city beaches, has its problems with petty crime. But Bondi? Well, the parking sucks. And the muscle men at the outdoor gym are a bit ridiculous. But other than that you won't find tourists with much to complain about.
There are definitely "attractions" in Sydney that I do find baffling. I don't know why anyone, tourist or not, would want to go to Darling Harbour. And the Sydney Fish Market, while well stocked with seafood, still seems a strange place to want to spend an afternoon.
The winners, however, are the clichés. The "real" Sydney might be out in the western suburbs, just the same as the real Melbourne is in the west, or the real Brisbane is in the south, or the real Perth is in the east. But tourists don't come here for reality. They come here for the dream.
It's the same reason we don't go to London to hang out in Cockfosters, or go to LA to stay in San Fernando Valley. There's nothing there to look at. It's suburbia.
We want the unimaginative, postcard locations. We want natural beauty. We want places you don't have to delve too far in to to find the good stuff.
Parramatta might be "real", but you wouldn't go there for a holiday.
Is there still a cultural cringe in Australia? Should we be more proud of our clichéd tourist attractions? Where do you tell overseas visitors to go?
Instagram: instagram.com/bengroundwater
