It was a night of crushing disappointment, interminable waits, and revolting tarts as we began the "ultimate instant restaurant round", the part of MKR designed to give viewers the terrifying impression that time has stopped moving. As the strains of I've Got You Babe run through our heads and Bill Murray perfects the art of ice sculpture, Drasko and Bianca are about to host yet another dinner party to demonstrate just how far they've come, and/or how little hope they have of ever fulfilling their dreams.
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Things are off to a great start as Drasko and Bianca visit their local butcher, ask for eight whole quail, and find some "just came in yesterday". What a miraculous coincidence! Looks like Lady Luck is on your side, Drasko and Bianca! They plan to tea smoke the quail, which is a culinary technique where you add milk and sugar to a quail and then set it on fire. Less fortuitous is the traffic jam that keeps them on the road as prep time begins. The traffic has made Bianca physically sick, although it might just be the thought of the tea smoked quail.
"We need to move faster," Drasko urges Bianca. "I know," she agrees, yet they continue to just sit there in front of the MKR backdrop, talking to camera instead of getting back in the kitchen. No wonder they're so far behind.
The guests arrive and are greeted with the kind of excitement and affection that can only be generated between people who genuinely wish to crush each other's dreams. Drasko and Bianca's instant restaurant is called "Wild Pastures", because of their mutual love of feral livestock.
The theme of the evening is "weird words I've never heard of before".
Entrée is a choice between something called "Bianca's Furbo" – which is an adorable plush toy that giggles when you squeeze its belly – and scallops with "veloute" – which is French for "pie with sauce". Disaster strikes as Bianca finds herself unable to make the rice noodles which are a crucial element of Furbo. A brainwave occurs: maybe if you don't want things to stick to a surface you should use a non-stick surface! Phew that was close.
The judges taste the entrée, and an air of tragedy envelops the gathering as Manu reveals that the scallops were slightly overcooked. Drasko feels a part of him die inside. He doesn't even see the point of living anymore.
Time to prepare main. "I just have to start cooking things!" Drasko exclaims, having cottoned on to the premise of the show beautifully. Bianca knows she should be helping Drasko, but she needs to get on to her lemon curd, which has always been her excuse. Drasko and Bianca reminisce about their first date, back before Bianca knew about the nightmarishly obsessive cooking vortex that would become her life.
One hour after entrée, Drasko is still cutting his quails up, and the guests are beginning to get a sense of how it feels to watch a season of My Kitchen Rules. "I love Drasko, but he can be a bit of a micro-manager," says Bianca, her hands twitching with the desire to wrap around Drasko's neck.
Two hours since entrée, and everyone is so bored they start setting Ash's hair to a dance soundtrack. In the kitchen Drasko has lost touch with reality and begins trying to enrol Bianca in his Cooking For Beginners course.
Two and a half hours since entrée, and the diners have started synchronising their yawns to Taylor Swift. Ash puts spoons on her eyes as the hunger slowly eats everyone's brains. In the kitchen the mushroom cream has split, which is bound to make the guests envy it. As it is, they will have to resort to eating Pete.
Three hours after entrée, the mains are served, and no matter what one might say about how long they took to cook, you can't deny that they are tiny depressing little scraps of unimpressive meat. Pete is deeply disappointed by the quail, but Manu, having eaten the veal, thinks Drasko has the potential to be a great chef, assuming there is a demographic out there desperate for a restaurant that requires you to sleep over to get your food.
It's dessert time, and Drasko for some reason thinks "We've got TWO sherbets!" is a boast. They are also making "mandarin caviar", which thank God is not actually caviar, but looks almost as unappetising. It looks great, though, next to the lemon tart – the oven has been set on Grill and the tart is more like a soup. Has Drasko and Bianca's hopelessness come back to haunt them? Drasko comes up with a brilliant solution: babble meaninglessly about their first date.
Dessert is served, and whether you ordered the lemon tart or the chocolate delice, one thing is for sure: you are getting a small smear of unidentifiable slop. Nothing has set properly, and Drasko's burning ambition to force Bianca into a life of kitchen-bound drudgery is fading fast.
The guests are disappointed – which in MKR terms, means they are ecstatic – and give Drasko and Bianca 19 out of 40, the same number of hours that the meal took to serve. The judges give them 32 out of 60, including a catastrophic one-point score from Pete for the lemon tart that wasn't. So a grand total of 51, but there is still hope for Drasko and Bianca to be found in the fact that everyone on MKR stuffs up fairly regularly. And after all, that's what we're all tuning in to see. Catch it tomorrow, when Eva and Debra will stuff up!
